Quickies

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1. How’s anal with someone with pearls in their dick? I’m getting some installed soon.

You’re referring to pearling, a body modification where small pearl-like beads are inserted under the skin of the penis. Post-pearling, your cock — to the untrained eye (read: most eyes) — is gonna look like it’s covered in cysts that could burst at any moment. Since I’ve never had anal with someone who had their dick modified in this way, I can’t tell you what it’s like. And before you can find out what it’s like, you’re gonna have to convince someone to let you fuck them with what looks like a cyst-covered cock. Good luck with that. (But if you do get the procedure done and manage to find someone who’ll let you fuck them, please come on my new mini podcast After Action Report — coming very soon to the podcast feed at Savage.Love — and tell me all about it!)

P.S. I don’t mean to be kink-negative here — I’ve seen people put far crazier looking things up their butts than a pearled cock, and sex shops sell ass toys with bumps and ridges because people like how bumps and ridges feel. So, your pearled cock may be in demand.

2. Is Pete Buttigieg more electable with a beard?

I don’t think anyone would buy Pete Buttigieg pulling a Tim Scott and getting himself a wife to make himself more electable — that is the kind of beard you meant, right?

3. My husband and I are about to open our marriage. He wants to have sex with men. This will probably only happen four times a year at most. Should he get on PrEP? Should he take doxy after each encounter? I asked him to wear a condom, and he agreed, although I know that wouldn’t be his preference. What’s the best way for him to protect himself and me as we move into this next chapter?

For maximum protection, your husband should get on PrEP (a daily pill that prevents HIV infection) and have Doxy PEP on hand (two pills taken after a sexual encounter that decreases the risk of contracting syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia) and insist on using condoms. If your husband is only having sex with men four times a year — and he’s scheduling those sex dates in advance — he could opt for PrEP on demand: taking two pills (Truvada or Descovy) 24 hours before he has sex with a man, another pill the day after, and one last pill two days after. But if your husband has poor impulse control — if he’s likely to jump on a dick if the opportunity presents itself — then he should be on daily PrEP.

4. How to ask a partner to wash their vulva better? Is there ever a nice way to say it?

When my husband’s junk doesn’t smell great, I can say, “Hey, you stink,” and tell him to jump in the shower — and he can say the same to me. But we can afford to be blunt because men haven’t been told for centuries (millennia!) that our genitals are smelly and unclean. So, you’ll have to be more tactful. Open by acknowledging how fraught this is and then emphasize that your first concern is for her health. Then say it.

5. How do you find your soulmate?

You find someone willing to pretend you’re their soulmate and you pretend they’re yours and — if you’re lucky — eventually the relationship lives up to the hype.

6. Is there such a thing as too much lube?

I used to think there was no such thing as too much maple syrup — I love me some syrup-soaked pancakes — until I read about the Great Molasses Flood of 1919: a storage tank in Boston filled with molasses burst, sending more than two million gallons of molasses pouring through the streets. This giant wave of molasses was moving faster than people could run — 35 miles per hour! — and 21 people drowned and another 150 were injured. So, while sex educators will sometimes say, “There’s no such thing as too much lube,” to correct for the common problem of people using too little, the Great Molasses Flood suggests that there could be such a thing as too much lube. (My editor tells me that maple syrup and molasses aren’t the same thing, which I knew but was pretending not to know for the sake of argument.)

On the Lovecast: How can a woman safely indulge her kink when the thing that turns her on is fear?
Have a listen to this week’s episode.

7. Do I need to have a third partner at all times to be considered poly?

Yes — just like a gay person needs to have gay sex at all times to be considered gay, a bisexual person needs to have MMF or FFM threesomes at all times to be considered bi, a kinky person needs to have someone chained to the wall in their sex dungeon at all times to be considered kinky, etc.

8. How does one even begin having anal sex again after recovering from an anal fissure?

One focuses on anal pleasure, not anal penetration. One lays a vibrator across one’s asshole and one has a few dozen solo orgasms. Then one progresses to small plugs, which are for the pleasure of the person being penetrated. One slowly works one’s way back to dick, while listening to one’s body the whole time. At first one treats the dick like another plug — one gets it in, one gets off, one gets it out. It’s about the penetrated feeling good, not about the penetrator getting off. If it hurts, one stops. If the pain is persistent, one sees a sex-positive gay doctor who specializes in treating anal health issues, like frequent Savage Lovecast guest Dr. Evan Goldstein.

9. I was against marriage after my divorce — but my potential new marriage comes with an EU passport. Should I do it?

Are you following the news? Run — don’t walk — down that aisle!

10. I’m a mostly straight cis dude with has a specific kink: I’d love to have my female partner use another man’s cum as lube on my cock during group play. My question is: what level of STI risk does this activity involve? Please rank the risk relative to kissing, oral, PIV, PIA, and other sexual activities.

Rankings, shmankings: If the man whose semen you use as lube has a sexually-transmitted infection — syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV, etc. — you and your girlfriend would be at risk of contracting that STI. If the man whose semen you use as lube doesn’t have an STI, you wouldn’t be at risk of contracting an STI. So, the only way to enjoy this kink safely is to find a man who’s willing to get tested and share his test results with you, which would obviously exclude using the semen of some rando you just met at a sex party.

11. AFAB here. I’ve worn out two plug-in Hitachi Magic Wands in the last three years. (RIP. LOL.) Is there a waterproof plug-in vibrator out there that costs less?

“Cheaper options exist,” said my go-to sex toy expert Erika Moen, “but your AFAB reader will burn through those cheaper options even faster because when it comes to sex toys, you really do get what you pay for: cheaper toys are of cheaper quality and they wear out much faster. Stick with Magic Wands, which are built to last (mine is 15 years old!) and come with a warranty!”

Erika Moen is the genius behind acclaimed sex education website Oh Joy Sex Toy.

12. How can I get my pet to maintain an erection while I get him?

You submitted your question via Instagram, so I took a peek at your feed to make sure we were talking about a human pet here, which we are. If your pet isn’t restrained when you peg him, you could encourage your pet to stroke himself during a pegging session. But for some people — and human pets are people — anal penetration is its own reward/pleasure, and they can be soft and loving it.

13. How tight does a silicone cock ring need to be in order to help with ED?

A cock ring needs to be snug enough to restrict the flow of blood out of the penis but not so tight as to completely prevent the flow of blood out of (and into) the penis. Silicone rings are safe to experiment with because, unlike steel rings, you can easily remove one that turns out to be too tight. (Removing a steel cock ring that turns out to be too tight could require a trip to the ER.) So, get a selection of silicone cock rings in different sizes and find the one that feels comfortable and gets the job done.

14. My boyfriend has a degradation kink. It doesn’t work for him to be degraded by someone who loves him (me), so he’s asked for permission to get this need met outside our relationship. He says his last boyfriend refused to give him permission and he wound up cheating on him. Being told I either have to agree or get cheated on feels like I don’t actually have a choice. Advice?

Pick your poison: you can give your boyfriend permission (and live with the awareness that he’s getting this one need met elsewhere) or you can withhold permission (and live with the anxiety that he might cheat on you to get this one need met) or you break up with your boyfriend (and live without him because you couldn’t live with the awareness or the anxiety).

15. I’m a straight female dating a straight male who was a sperm donor ten years ago. His donor-conceived children can choose to contact him when they start turning 18 and he could have as many as sixty children! I want to have children myself with him myself but the anxiety of having to discuss this with my children— and having to worry about accidental half-sibling incest — is weighing on me. My partner is not concerned, and it frustrates me that he does not understand why I have so much concern. I honestly think this will be an ongoing issue and that my future children will need therapy.

If the thought of having children with this particular straight male causes you this much anxiety — if you’re spending all your time worrying about the therapy your future children will need if you have them with this man — there’s a simple fix: have your future children with some other straight male.

16. If we have great and very connected sex for more than an hour but neither of us can come, what does that mean? This has been going on for six years.

If you’re referring to not being able to come during intercourse, it could mean that PIV or PIA doesn’t get either of you there and you should enjoy penetrative sex before pivoting to sexual activities that get you both off. But if you mean you can’t come in each other’s presence at all — if  neither of you can achieve climax during your hour-long sex sessions — you should seek the help of a qualified sex therapist.

17. Why does it seem like no one is doing anything? No mass protests? Nothing?

Five million people took part in the No Kings protests across the United States on June 14. The next No Kings protest is planned for October 18. To find out where the protest is planned in your city, go here.

18. I’m a 23-year-old gay man. I recently hooked up with a 55-year-old man who is married to a woman. I didn’t find out he was married and DL until I was at his place and about to have sex with him. I was too timid to end the interaction, so I went through with the hookup. I ended up blocking him after, but I feel really guilty. Did I do something really awful? And if so, how do I make it better?

Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love!

Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan!

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