Three Options

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The person who introduced me to you — my wife — is the source of my woes. We have a child and a lovely home and financial security. But the issue is my feelings of sexual dissatisfaction.

My wife suffers from health issues that make sex painful. I never pressure her, and her wellbeing is always my top priority, so for years I’ve “taken care of myself.” However, she also isn’t a “touchy-feely person,” while I love cuddles, holding hands, and kissing. As the years have gone by, I’ve grown resentful. I feel undesired and unloved. I no longer initiate any sexual moves, because I always get rejected. Since she has “good days” and “bad days,” we agreed the ball should be in her court and that she would initiate. This has led to months of no sexual contact. We’ve maybe had sex twice a year for the last five years. When it reaches a point of me feeling particularly down, I raise the subject. This usually resorts in us setting a date to at least snuggle, but it feels like a chore for her, which just exacerbates my feelings of worthlessness. For that reason, I’ve stopped trying at all.

I’m in my early thirties and I feel like my best sexual years are disappearing before my eyes. I recently started going to trance nights and meeting new people. Speaking to other women and feeling desired has made me feel alive again. I’ve been faithful to my wife, but I can’t see things continuing as they are and the two of us maintaining a healthy relationship. If you had suggested an open relationship to me six years ago, I would’ve said you were psychotic, as I once experienced pretty intense jealousy. But now the thought of my wife with another man does not bother me at all.

These are my questions:

1. Is an open relationship a feasible option?

2. Would suggesting this not destroy my wife’s self-esteem or, at the very least, hurt her feelings?

3. Is there another alternative your wise ass would suggest?

Aging Sex Machine Resentments

1. That’s a tough one — let me ask my husband of thirty years and my boyfriend of thirteen years.

Good news! My husband and boyfriend both said open relationships are a feasible option. In fact, there are countless examples of once-closed-now-open relationships that work, mine included, and if you’ve been reading and/or listening to me for more than a month, ASMR, you couldn’t have been ignorant of that fact. There are also lots of examples out there — far more examples — of successful closed relationships, including ones where the sex dried up due to one partner’s chronic illness. So, honoring the monogamous commitment you made (“in sickness and in health”), it has to be said, is another feasible option.

“Feasible” doesn’t mean “frictionless,” ASMR, whether we’re talking about open or closed relationships. And if living with very little sex and next to no physical intimacy isn’t a feasible option for you any longer — if the emotional friction and sexual deprivation are more than you can bear — something will have to change. But if you don’t wanna be a cheating piece of shit, ASMR, you’ll need your wife’s permission before you start fucking the women you’re meeting at those trance nights.

2. The request you’re about to make — this enormous ask — will hurt your wife’s feelings. While she’s doubtless aware of the problem, ASMR, there’s a good chance she’s rationalized and/or minimized it; it’s also possible you’ve worked so hard to avoid pressuring her that she doesn’t know how unhappy you are. And asking you to go without sex — or to live with very little sex and no physical contact — is itself an enormous ask.

But asking your wife to open your marriage… for perfectly legitimate reasons… will force your wife to confront two painful subjects: your unhappiness and her illness. She’s going to be sad — at the very least — and it’s entirely possible she’ll be devastated. And she’s almost certain to have perfectly legitimate fears — are you going to leave her for someone else? — and while you can offer reassurances, ASMR, the only way you can prove you won’t leave her if she agrees to open your marriage is by not leaving her once you’re marriage is open. Kind of a Catch 22.

3. There are only three options in cases like yours: leave, cheat, ask. I haven’t been holding out on you guys for the last 35 years, I swear, and if there was a magical fourth option — something that could solve the problem of sexless-or-near-sexless monogamous marriages without anyone getting their feelings hurt and/or anyone doing something they know is wrong — I would’ve shared it already.

P.S. Your wife reads my column — so, you had to know she would read your letter and recognize you, right?

P.P.S. If you ask and your wife’s answer is “no,” you can revisit your other choices: leave or cheat. Not ideal, I realize, but those are your options.

P.P.P.S. There is a fourth-ish option: if you ask and she says “no,” you can ask again later.

I’m an Italian straight man, married to a beautiful English woman for fifteen years. We have two kids and we live in Italy. We have been navigating non-monogamy in various troubled ways for over five years. It started with cheating before we settled on tolyamory. All along, my wife said she wasn’t into meeting new people. But she recently reconnected with an old flame on Facebook. There has been some intense sexting and an exchange of nude photos. This all happened in secret. She finally confessed to me, saying she wants to pursue a relationship with this man (he lives in Holland) despite the fact that he is in a long-term relationship and his partner (they also have two kids) is not aware of his behavior, so he is cheating. The cheating has only occurred online up to now, but a meeting has been mentioned. I was in shock that my wife kept this from me and started a relationship without first talking about it. I would like her to stop interacting with this person and, if she must, seek out a more ethical connection. But she says he is the only other man she is interested in. Do you think my feelings are valid? She said she could just be friends with this guy without their chats being sexual, but I’m not sure that makes it any better. What do you think I should do?

Lying Isn’t Even Sensible

Calm the fuck down.

Your wife isn’t guilty of “starting a relationship” without talking to you first, LIES, because she didn’t start a relationship with this guy. She sent some dirty texts and swapped nudes with a guy she hasn’t seen for at least fifteen years — that’s all she did — and while she was clearly sexting with intent, nothing actually happened. She didn’t cheat on you, LIES, and this Dutch guy hasn’t cheated on his wife. (At least not with your wife.) If you want to do the most possible damage to your marriage, you can keep giving your wife grief for not disclosing this flirtation the moment it started and insist on rounding it up to cheating… but why would you want to do that?

You settled on tolyamory after trying other things — including cheating — but you seem a little unclear on the concept: tolyamory means tolerating or putting up with your spouse’s affairs. While very few toly couples have explicit agreements, being toly means turning a blind eye to what you suspect (or know) your partner is doing behind your back. In a mutually toly relationship, neither partner would need to get permission to what they’re gonna do, LIES, so long as they’re doing it discreetly. If that’s not what you want — if you want prior disclosure and veto power — tolyamory was the wrong choice.

You and the wife, you say, began to explore ethical non-monogamy after someone cheated, LIES, but you don’t say who it was that cheated first. The omission makes me think it was you. And seeing as your wife hasn’t expressed an interest in another man in the last five years, this would be the first time you’ve been confronted the reality of your wife fucking someone else. I suspect you’re blowing her “infraction” out of all proportion — her failure to disclose — in an effort to even the score: you cheated, you were wrong, you had to make it up to her. Now you’re accusing your wife of cheating (which she hasn’t done) so you can tell yourself that she’s guilty of the same wrong.

If you want veto power over your wife’s choice of potential lovers, you can ask for that. But if you went with toly or DADT because that’s what you wanted — if you wanted one of the turn-a-blind-eye options when it came to your affairs — you don’t get to have advance notice or a veto over your wife’s affairs.

My wife and I basically are in a sexless relationship. We’ve been in separate beds for a few years now (her choice), and sexual intimacy is rare, and is always initiated by me. It only happens one way, and it’s never penetrative. We saw a couples counsellor a few years ago, and our therapist recommended we see someone who specializes in sexual intimacy. I found some locally, but my wife had no interest in going, and it never happened. I try to discuss it and suggest ways to initiate things, but she has no interest and changes the subject. I am at a loss. I don’t know how to move forward. This is important to me, and I currently feel very lonely in my marriage. 

Feeling Alone In Love

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