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Long time reader! I’m a mostly straight boy in my early 20s with a new girlfriend. I say “mostly straight” because I’m into bondage and finding men who wanted to tie me up was always easier than finding women who wanted to tie me up. But I met a girl at a party early this summer and she’s beautiful and smart and really into me. But she isn’t into bondage and she’s not okay with me getting tied up outside our relationship. She says I should “stop being kinky” for her, as it makes her uncomfortable to think I have sexual needs she can’t meet. She also hates thinking about me being “abused by predators.” None of the half a dozen men and one woman who’ve tied me up since I became sexually active were “predators.” If anything, they were extremely kind to me, and I’ve had nothing but good experiences. But seeing my bondage photos deeply upset my girlfriend. (She asked to see them when we “laid our kink cards on the table,” which we did three months in, like you recommend.)
I know what you’re going to tell me — break up with her — but there aren’t lots of other girls lining up to date me. I’m tall and skinny and pretty in a twinky way that attracts male attention but seems to turn women off. (Gay men are disappointed when I tell them I’m straight, but at least they believe me. When I tell women I’m straight, they think I’m lying.) The last time I had a girlfriend was in high school, Dan, and I’ve really enjoyed having a girlfriend for the first time in my adult life. Finding another girl who is into me isn’t going to be easy.
Is this a case where I need to settle? (“Settling down requires settling for.” — Dan Savage) My very first sexual fantasies were about bondage. I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm when I wasn’t either thinking about being tied up or actually tied up. Do I give up my kink for now — or pretend to give it up (I’ll still be thinking about it) — in the hopes that my girlfriend gets more comfortable over time? Or do I break up with her even if it means I’ll be alone the rest of my life? I sometimes wish I wasn’t like this. It honestly feels like a curse. Finding a girl who is into me is hard enough. Finding one who is also into the kind of bondage I need feels impossible.
Thai American Bondage Boy
P.S. I’m only 24 but I count as a “long time reader” because mom told me to start reading you when she found the porn I was looking at when I was 14. I’ve been reading and listening ever since.
She’s beautiful, she’s smart, and she’s wrong for you — she wasn’t a mistake, she was right for this summer, but she’s not right for you over the long haul.
At 24, TABB, you’re too young to settle for someone who doesn’t respect your sexual needs. (Please note: I said, “doesn’t respect your sexual needs,” I didn’t say, “doesn’t meet each and every one of your sexual needs.”) But even if you were 64, you shouldn’t settle for someone who shames you for having sexual needs/interests/kinks they won’t or can’t meet.
As a long-time reader, you’re no doubt familiar with my “price of admission” concept: we don’t get everything we want from our sexual and/or romantic partners — some needs go unmet, everybody has their annoying habits, no two people are a perfect fit — and deciding you wanna be with someone means paying the price of admission. Your partner is a slob and you’re a neat freak: Is being the one who keeps things tidy without (too much) complaining the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with them? Then pay it. You’re into anal or bondage or watersports or whatever and your partner isn’t into anal or bondage or watersports or whatever: Is going without anal or bondage or watersports or whatever the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with them? Then pay it.
Being the one who tidies up (the price of admission I pay to be with my husband) or going without anal or bondage or watersports or whatever are reasonable prices of admission that a reasonable person might be willing to pay to be with someone who makes them happy in lots of other ways. But what your girlfriend is asking — what your girlfriend is demanding — is not reasonable. She’s not asking you to go without being tied up by her, TABB, something you might be able to live with if you had other outlets, she’s asking you to reach into your erotic subconscious and rip out your kinks for her psychological comfort. She doesn’t even want you to think about it. Her demands are equal parts unreasonable, disrespectful, and impossible, TABB; it’s not only a price of admission you shouldn’t be willing to pay for her or anyone else, it’s not one you could pay (see: impossible).
That said, TABB, there are lots of happily partnered people with kinks they don’t get to act on because they fell in love with someone who doesn’t share their kinks who insists on monogamy. But there’s a difference between a loving partner who says, “You can only explore this through fantasy and solo play,” and a controlling lunatic who says, “You must cut this out like it’s some sort of tumor.” The loving partner’s ask (“I’m willing to make space for this”) demonstrates respect for your erotic autonomy. The lunatic partner’s ask (“I’m asking you to kill this part of yourself”) shows no respect for your erotic autonomy, TABB, and puts you in the impossible position of having to lie to your partner for the rest of your life. (And since there’s no chemo for kink — there’s no cure — she’s gonna catch you looking at bondage porn, TABB, and your awful girlfriend won’t be as understanding as your wonderful mother was.)
Now, you could play the long game here — you could tell your girlfriend what she wants to hear and hope she comes around — and I’ve met people at kink events (enthusiastic participants) who weren’t into kink until they fell in love with someone who was and slowly warmed to their partner’s kinks. But they tended to be the kind of vanilla people (or formerly vanilla people) who’d given their kinky partners permission to enjoy and explore their kinks on their own and not the kind of vanilla people who demanded that their partners take their kinks behind the barn and Old Yeller ‘em. (Google it.)
Finally, TABB, right now you’re telling yourself this girl was a fluke and that she’s the only pretty girl you’re ever gonna pull. There’s a different story you could be telling yourself about your experience this summer: You’ve grown into your body and/or aged into your face and you’re suddenly attracting female attention, and this girl — and the fling you had with her this summer — is the proof. But instead of telling yourself a story that builds your confidence (“Getting this girl proves I can get girls!”), TABB, you’re telling yourself a story that tears it down (“This girl is the only girl I’m ever going to get.”). Beating yourself up when you could be building yourself up is a choice, TABB, and it’s a dumb one.
P.S. You’re a grown man! Get involved in the kink scene where you live. Keep going to normie parties where you’ll meet women who may or may not be kinky — you never know — while also attending kink events where you’ll meet women who are definitely kinky. And you might wanna learn to switch, TABB, as most women into bondage are subs. A woman who’s just as turned on by bondage as you are won’t ask you to “just stop being kinky,” TABB, and she’s far likelier to be okay with you getting your submissive needs met elsewhere if she can’t meet them for you herself. (You and your subby girlfriend can go to play parties and get tied up together! Think of how much fucking fun that would be!)
P.P.S. Listening to you say you wish you weren’t kinky made my heart ache, TABB, because it reminded me of how I used to wish — when I was 14 — that I wasn’t gay. I felt that way because all the bad things came immediately (disappointed parents, lost friends, crushing loneliness) while the good things took a lot longer to come. It wasn’t until I was the age you are now, TABB, that I could see how much good had come into my life because I was gay; I had gone places and done things (and people) I wouldn’t have gone and done if I weren’t gay. I no longer felt cursed — I felt blessed. The experiences of a young gay boy and a kinky straight boy aren’t analogous, but the more you put yourself out there — the more people you meet, the more places you go, the more things you get tied to — the sooner you’ll be able to see the good things/people/experiences that have been a part of your life because of your kink. One day, TABB, you’ll be with a woman who loves you — all of you — and there’s a good chance that woman will be someone you wouldn’t have met if you weren’t at the same shibari workshop. And you’ll look at her and your life and you’ll think, “Holy shit, I have my kink to thank for all of this.”
P.P.P.S. Send my love to your mother.
P.P.P.P.S. In case I wasn’t clear: dump your girlfriend.
Long time reader here, Dan. Cis man, happily married to a lovely woman more than twenty years. I’m probably something like a Kinsey 2-3 (and unconflicted about it), and I’ve concluded it’s high time I sucked a dick or two while I’m still hot enough for it to be fun for the other parties. I don’t really need to process any of that and understand the importance of informing my wife beforehand and working with her limits about sexual safety, etc. What I’d like to hear from you is your practical advice about the best way to have a good first time.
I live in a large city where more or less every option is possible — bars, spas, sex clubs, apps, etc. — and all of these seem like they would lead to such different experiences. I believe in the value of in-person chemistry, so identifying people in real-world spaces seems good. On the other hand, it sounds like everyone is finding each other online these days. I also like a bit of badinage and socializing, but the idea of a gay sex club or bathhouse — where I understand there isn’t a lot of chatter — seems exciting. Dicks get sucked without condoms and suspect I’m more of a swallower than a spitter, so STIs are going to be an unavoidable risk. What’s the best way to manage that risk to protect my wife’s health? Looking forward to your inside-baseball advice.
Cocksucking Rookie Asking For Tips
For dick right away, CRAFT, go to a bathhouse or a sex club or get on Sniffies, the app for pop-up sex parties in private homes. If there’s a dick you want to suck in one of those places, suck it. If there isn’t, don’t. It’s better to wait for dick you’re genuinely attracted to than to start your cocksucking career with dick you could take or leave.
And relax. Bathhouses and sex clubs are full of dudes at every imaginable level of experience and — you’re right — there’s not a lot of chitchat in bathhouses and sex clubs. So, you don’t have to announce that you’re a rookie or explain why you’re there. You just have to be clean, polite, and friendly — same as you would at any other kind of party. (And if you get on Grindr to look for someone one-on-one, you might want to tell them it’s your first time, as that will definitely turn some guys on.)
As for risk: if you’re only sucking dick (and not bottoming), you don’t need to get on PrEP, the daily medication that protects gay and bi men from HIV infection. If you meet someone you want to do butt stuff with, you can get on PrEP then and/or ask your doctor about “on demand” PrEP. HIV transmission via oral is vanishingly rare, even for swallowers. But oral is a great way to pick up gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis, CRAFT, so to protect your wife (and yourself), you’ll want to…
1. Get on doxy-PEP. That’s 200mg of doxycycline taken within 72 hours of a risky encounter… and pretty much all sexual encounters in bathhouses and sex clubs should be seen as risky. Taking doxy-PEP dramatically lowers your risk of contracting bacterial STIs.
2. Get tested regularly. You should be tested every three months if you’re sexually active with more than one partner. And don’t wait for symptoms to appear to get tested — a lot of STIs are asymptomatic, and you can pass them on (to your wife or some nice guy off Sniffies) without realizing you’re infected.
3. Talk it over with your wife at what feels like great length and then go longer. If she says, “Condoms for oral,” then it’s condoms for oral. (Though I suspect she’ll be more concerned about condoms if/when you wanna have anal.) And if you’re only going to suck a dick once in a great while, you could take your doxy after and then wait a few weeks — and get tested — before you fuck your wife again. That doesn’t mean you can’t meet your wife’s sexual needs (vibrators, penetration toys, outercouse) while you wait for the all-clear.
Finally, the very first blowjob you give won’t be spectacular — it might be good, but it’s not gonna be great — because first-time experiences are rarely best-ever experiences. Low expectations are easier to exceed, CRAFT, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself (or the first guy you blow) to get it right. Just enjoy. Then send us an email and let us know how it went.
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