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Dear Hendrix,
Though you’re very young now, I know there will come a day when you’re old enough to fall in love. Truly, I can’t wait for that moment—to see it in your eyes as you gaze upon another! And when that happens, I hope you come to me, your mother, for any advice you may need. Henny, love is complicated. But just know that above all else, when it comes down to it, there’s one thing I think is crucial: farting.
Farting is a major part of love. But, like matters of the heart, it is a tricky thing to navigate. It may even be more complicated than love itself! I long for the day when you come up to me and ask, “Mom, I really like this person… but how do I fart in front of my crush?” Believe me, I’ll put my guitar down and be ready to chat whenever this comes up. However, as a little preview, the short answer to the question is, as Nike says: Just do it.
But sometimes it’s not that simple. So, before we go any further, let me give you a little something to put in your back pocket, so to speak. There’s one phrase that should help you in your gassy journey toward romance, and that is, “What? You want my stomach to hurt?”
It’s a silly little phrase that brings science to the forefront. The reality is, farting is not only a major part of love, it’s a major part of life. You’d die if you held in every fart, and, according to the Canadian Society of Intestinal Research, a healthy human farts anywhere between 12 and 25 times per day. (If that’s the case, then your dad must be REALLY healthy!) That means everyone from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to Ronald McDonald to Beyoncé to the mailman to Jesus have farted a dozen or two times per day. Take that, ozone layer!
Sure, there is an archaic standard that a young woman must be demure, that she must smell like roses, that she must never eat a bean burrito. But it’s 2025, and bean burritos are amazing! So, if your bae leers at you for farting, just respond, “What? You want my stomach to hurt?”
I’ve used it plenty of times. The phrase turns the conversation to a mild medical concern and rightfully confronts your teaser with a state of empathy. No one likes a gassy tum. So just free the butt burp and get on with your day! Even with these assurances, though, I know you may still feel a blockage when it comes to actually releasing the toot. It happens. I remember being in fourth grade and having gas in church during Mass. I thought if I pushed it out, I could make it silent. But… it came out really very loud.
The fart was like a furnace exploded—all by accident. And as soon as people turned to look at me, I quickly put my palm over my mouth and started to make fart noises, as if what everyone had just heard came from my mouth! What made it worse was that no one bought my cover-up. Then my teacher got mad at me for continuing to make noise! What a horrible day. I was such an awkward kid… I hope you’re not as awkward as me when you’re in school, Henny.
But, now that you’re armed with that story about your super-cool mom, let me say this: If you’re ever scared to fart in front of your crush, ask yourself the question, What will their reaction be? It’s actually a great litmus test for your future together. If you think they would get mad or feel disgusted, then they can’t take the heat. If they laugh at you, they’re too immature. If they ignore it, it might mean they are bad at conflict resolution.
The proper reaction, in my estimation, is for someone to make a little joke about it and move on to the next thing. Maybe you blame the dog or the goldfish or the sneakers in the corner by the door. Even though you both know it was none of those things.
This is probably a good time to tell you about the first time I let one go in front of your father. We were dating, and one morning we were lying in bed. It was time. I decided we’d gone too far in our relationship, and I was just going to go for it. I really liked your dad, and I needed to know if this was going to be a deal breaker. Better now than in six months, right? If I were going to wear this guy’s ring one day, this had to happen. And you know what? A good partner makes you feel comfortable the first time. And that’s just what he did. Directly after my toot, I heard wedding bells in the air!
When I farted in front of him for the first time, it honestly felt like I had already done it a thousand times. The fart was one of those silent ones, so I actually ended up announcing it to him. He made a silly stank face, chuckled, and moved on. That’s it. He was, well, a gentleman about it. He knew even his smoking hot new girlfriend farted. No big! Similarly, my lovely girl, let me say this: Find friends that won’t let a little gas get between you.
When I was pregnant with you, I actually put a sign up at work at KEXP on the DJ booth door that said, “Pregnant DJ in Booth and Very Gassy. Enter at Own Risk!” One of my favorite farting moments came when I returned to my show after my maternity leave, and I was particularly gassy. So I just let one go. Barely 15 seconds passed before DJ John Richards turned the corner, saw me through the window, smiled, and entered the booth. He was there to congratulate me on your birth and to welcome me back. I immediately blurted out, “John! I literally just farted, and it smells terrible, and now you’re in the middle of it!” John, happy about the new addition to my family, said, “Eva, I don’t give a shit. I’m so glad you’re back, and congrats!” We hugged as if that bean burrito wasn’t hanging in the air. That’s friendship!
It’s true, no one really likes farts. No one would choose to live in an apartment permanently filled with ass gas. But in life, sometimes we have to make the best of things. Some stenches are worth fighting through, because some people are worth fighting for. The right person won’t judge you for your farts—loud, quiet, stinky, or odorless. They’ll just share theirs with you right back. In that way, a fart is just another way to say, “I love you.” And when that happens, you’ll know. Because, like farting, finding true love is a huge relief.
Eva Walker is a writer, a KEXP DJ, one-half of the rock duo The Black Tones, and mom to her baby girl, Hendrix. She also co-wrote the book The Sound of Seattle: 101 Songs That Shaped a City, which was released in 2024. Every month for The Stranger, she writes a letter to Hendrix to share wisdom learned from her experiences—and her mistakes.
